Miss Rumphius

As I alternate episodes of my Korean drama and Friends, I found myself here. Thinking again. I hate that, why can't I turn my brain off? Guys can do it just fine. But I can't seem to manage. There is always that nasty little thought sitting in the corner of my mind begging me to pay attention to it. I need to write it out of my mind.

It sucks, quite frankly. Sitting here, thinking about all the random things that you've said and I can't bring myself to not care. I don't want to care! But I can't help it.

I was talking with a friend about this today, I like the idea of you. You are so great. You like the same music as me, you introduced me to new music, you like to drive, you want to take me on a drive, you showed me Sandlot, you introduced One Day to me, you can tap dance, you can rock 80s band t-shirts, you look so good when you just look at me like you did those couple of times, you like cookie dough, and you can play guitar. There are plenty of other things but this will do for my purposes. Now, you have all of that going for you. Why do you have to ruin it by not being who I think you are? So many times I talk and you don't listen. But I forget about those times because I'll notice when you do listen. Looking back on it, you really didn't care. I was just the next person there. I liked what I made you out to be, not what you actually are. There are some times where I felt that you weren't being honest in character. You're an actor, you should know what I'm talking about. You on the tunnel, that was you. I felt good and I think you did too. BUT you with friends and stuff, not you. It is you trying to be cool because you feel that there is a front you have to keep up.

You're a hipster. By definition you shouldn't do that. You don't have to fit into that mold. Break the mold, shatter it into a million pieces, and become yourself. Something entirely new. Discover something. Be creative. You need to thrust your hands into the wet clay of your young life. Don't let others hold your hands for you.

Now you've trapped me in the CDs you've made me. I hate you. So very, very much. Actually, no. I take that all back. I don't hate you because I am trying to not care enough to hate you. I want you to be that person that I see. The one who drives with me and stuff and wants to hang out with me and tells me that. Right now, I feel disposable. You asked that one girl on a date, totally not like me. But, if that is your type then can we please just be friends? I'll give up these silly, ridiculous romantic imaginings if we can just hang out and there is nothing there. I was fine the last time, until you left and I started thinking about how I just wanted to hang out with you for hours on end. You're fun to talk to. Why did I tell you all that crap? EMBARRASSING. I showed you that one video...mistake.

There is so much more to you than you make out. Correction: than you let out. And I hate that. People who cannot be honest in character have no place in my life. We'll call you Dexter for the purposes of this blog. Goodbye my dear Dex. Leave me alone, let me get some sleep, relinquish your hold on my life. I don't care if it is not on purpose, but if you have no intention on reciprocating, then deuces homeslice.

ANYWAYS. I honestly hate writing about boys, but sometimes I can't help it. I've been watching too many Korean dramas.

I've resigned myself to a lonely life. At least for the next year or so. And really, all I want is a boy. I don't want a relationship. I don't want any of that. I just want a guy to be there when I need him. A best guy friend. They are so much more ... sane than girl friends. They are solid, blunt, and caring and have a canny ability to make you feel better no matter what. That is all I want. A hand to hold occasionally and have it not mean anything. Just a sign of our friendship. But that's not going to happen. Guys don't think like that. Dex, I thought you did.

I do things before thinking about the consequences. I'll talk about how romantic the snow is and the way it falls in the lights but I don't mean that I want it to be romantic between us. I am a hopeless romantic and that is what we do best: find romance in the smallest things. We look at the world in terms of romance. The definition for the word is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I see the world through the lens of a camera, meaning I notice details and I find joy in them. I love the romance that courses through the air like electricity on a high voltage fence when I walk through the streets at night and see the snow falling, casting miniscule shadows as they drift down past the streetlamps. I can't help it. It is my nature.

There are so many things about me that you don't know. This is Emily the Writer speaking, did you know I like to write? I have ADD. I traveled to China for theatre. I love the rain. I love How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development, and Korean dramas. I am a traveler, and everything I do has to do with that. I used to compose music. My eyes become half-moons when I smile and I love it because one day I know that it will give me the most beautiful wrinkles. I love scars. I have a weakness for benches, alleys, paths, and doors. I sit on the top of the car. Even though my family thinks I hate driving, that isn't true because I love to drive myself places and listen to music and think. I hate nail polish. Tube socks are one of the best inventions ever. And I want to have my own garden one day.

Bet you didn't know that. Bet you never thought to ask. I wrote this so I could get you out of my mind once and for all. You'll always be with your ex-girlfriend. Regardless of what happens, she will always be there. I can't top that. I can't sing. Bye, Dex!

Sorry, that is probably THE worst post I have written in at least the last six months. I HATE writing about boys because it makes me feel like a prepubescent teen who is swooning over someone like Justin Beiber. Yeah, yeah we all go through this. But not really, we don't ever try to understand each other because we feel that we are so different from anyone else. I don't want sympathy from this post. I don't want you to feel as though we are in the same boat. I just want whoever is reading this to know that regardless of the boy I'm even slightly interested in, I will remain true to my character and not deviate from the elemental human being that I am. I will always be me, and in reality that is all I have. Boys will come and go, friends will come and go, and places will come and go. Be good to yourself and be honest to yourself. You are only damaging yourself if you pretend to be something you're not. All you have is you. Make sure that you are comfortable with that. With your own skin. Inside your own mind.

It has taken me a while to be completely comfortable in my mind. Its a crazy, dark place in there. But I love it. I write because then I'm able to take the words that circle around inside it and express them in ways that give it a deeper, newer meaning that I never would have thought of otherwise. I find myself when I lose myself in words.

I've used up all of mine today, and I find that I'm starting to get a bit tired. Goodnight Moon. Goodnight Cow-jumping over the Moon.

P.S. I was going to title this: Roll To Me. But that reminds me too much of you, Dex. I am instead calling it Miss Rumphius. That is a name that is the title of one of my favorite children's books. It is a story of a woman that changes the world around her. She promised her grandfather that she would make the world a better place. She becomes a librarian, then a traveler, and finally the Lupine Lady. As she walks around her little town by the sea, she sprinkles seeds of lupines everywhere and each year the blossom and bloom and people know that she was there. She tells stories of all the places she has gone and gets helpers to assist in her planting. I have always wanted to be her, and I still do. It is a beautiful book about a beautiful person. I dedicate this post to Alice Rumphius.

Skin&Bones

I've reached a point where I just need to write in order to maintain my sanity. I get restless when I don't travel and don't write. There is so much going through my mind and people just don't sit down and listen any more. I just need someone to listen. This blog will listen and I want it to listen. There are some people who may want to listen to me but it just is not the same. I cannot tell things to people who want to listen and I know they do not know what they are in for. But that is why I come here. Listen if you want, shut me off if you want. I will take it either way.

There are so many beautiful things in this world that people overlook. I like to think of myself as the person who was put on Earth to notice them, to notice the little things. Tonight, my friends and I went to Temple Square to see the lights. I was debating with this one girl about what the word romance means. She was convinced that it was strictly about love and passion and attraction between two people. I disagreed. I believe that romance can be used to describe the magic of a situation and sometimes it can add to the romance between people. The dictionary says that romance is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I LOVE that definition. There was so much romance tonight, but not between people. Salt Lake City was brimming with romance tonight. The way the lights looked, the gnarled tops of the trees next to the temple, the Spanish-influence building South of the temple, the way steam flowed from the nostrils of the horses, the light sound of bagpipes coming from a street performed, the mournful violin, the majesty of the Christus statue juxtaposed with the cosmic backdrop, and the little children going over to touch the robes. It was all romantic. It was all full of wonder that seemed to disrupt everyday life.

That was all I had to say about that. Somehow I feel that writing more about it would ruin it or make it worth less. What more is there to say? My mind is still racing and I cannot figure out why.

I have been bombarded by situations all around that make me want to write, like an actual book. But that is a bit embarrassing and I won't go there right now. Maybe later. But not now.

So many different thoughts but none of them seem worth pursuing. I have felt so lost and inadequate this past little while, and now that I am doing a bit better I don't want to delve back into that. I don't want to dwell on hopelessly romantic (different definition) ideas because that will put me in a weird mood for the next few days and with finals here, I cannot bring myself to do that. Although I have realized that writing about situations that would inspire me to write something here usually puts those situations from my mind and that person and I am home free. I can forget about them and just go back to the usual dynamic. Nothing weird, because when I think about things like this and don't write them down I tend to internalize it and that is when things go downhill. I just think too much.

Okay, the only thing I can think about doing is writing about nothing and everything all at the same time. This next little bit will be a serious of ugly, disconnected thoughts that really have nothing to do with anything and will hopefully make me feel better. If you do not understand, please forgive me but I will not bother to explain. Unless you are dying to know, and even then it is debatable. Here goes.

That is hilarious. I just wrote this huge paragraph and it didn't save because I wasn't logged into the network. But I feel so much better. I'll write again, but this will be different.

Have you ever looked at the space between the moon and the Earth and marveled at the sheer immensity of it all? We are so insignificant and tiny. Oh man I am tired. Romance is just following me everywhere. Not for me though. It is never for me. Which I am perfectly content with. But I can't stand having my mind filled with it because it makes it so difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. It has just been one of those weeks. Everything has been beautiful, even if in a dark way, and full of potential that I cannot think of anything else. I want to share it with someone but there is no one that would listen. The one person I think who would but only does occasionally. Very much selective hearing. But I can say anything I want to here and I can take as long as I want to say it. I just want to go somewhere. I want to walk. I want to walk forever and not stop until I have seen all the world and am content knowing that I have met everyone that I needed to and saw all that I was created to see. I need movement, I need change. I just need to get out of here. It isn't a bad statement, I don't hate it here. I have a pretty darn good situation. But I just need to leave because my feet are starting to burn up with desire to move and I'm fairly certain I have developed a severe case of cabin fever. One random thing that has been bugging me all day. You know when you're hanging out with someone and you're having fun or at least enjoying yourself a little bit and you think the other person is too but then they talk to one of their friends on the phone and belittle you almost by saying "oh no, its only ---" or whatever? Yeah. I hate that. You are where you are so embrace it. There will never be another moment exactly like that one and so embrace the beauty of its transience and love what you're doing. Make the best of it. If you live to always be somewhere else, then you're missing out on most of life. Life is born out of the spontaneous moments of truth and joy, not out of planned and typical meetings. You need to step out of your comfort zone to truly take life by the reigns. Live it and love it and seize all you can. Live as though you'll never be where you are again because there are so many places to see and people to meet that it is quite likely that you never will. Make it memorable. If it is memorable for me, then I assume it is for you too. If it isn't I am sorry but my memories stay where they are. All I can say is that you are missing out, my friend.

Wow. That was long. But I feel better. And with that, goodnight moon.

Nights Become Days

Why hello my old, dear friend. It really has been too long. I feel as though you've changed so, or perhaps it is me who has changed. Either way, I am happy to see you.

Life has been...different. A very beautiful kind of different. I think the reason I ended up back on here is because I needed a little therapy session and in Writing we are doing a unit on creativity and I wrote something and I finally felt like me again. I felt sure and beautiful and different. A beautiful kind of different. So I have decided to write again. Why did I ever stop? There are plenty of things I could be doing right now, but I am getting the feeling this is more important. There is something that I need to say and we shall go on an adventure, just like we used to, and we will find out what that is together.

Where to even begin...

Where does one ever begin? Oh! Language how I've missed you! I have missed putting words together in the exact way I want, or more often than not it just comes out and I just say what I think and it makes so much more sense. My fingers are getting cold, but I'll continue to type anyways. It will simply be a slower process. I am sitting out on my balcony facing the mountains. The stars are hidden by the clouds, but they are so fantastic here! I have seen shooting stars, something I never thought I would. I have recently learned that one of the most wonderful sights is that of the sun setting behind the mountains and the reflection it has over the lake as I look out from the temple and you can see the juxtaposition of the night and day so perfectly as every little house in the valley begins to turn their lights on. That is only challenged by the moon setting behind the mountains and then the few moments after when the sky is still light and purple from it.

My roommate took us up to her cabin in the first few weeks we were here and it is right up in the canyon. We walked around and stuff, I was stunned by the mountains and the sheer magnitude of everything. That night we went to a huge rock that she used to go to and we all laid down together, wrapped up in a blanket, and we looked at the stars. I fell asleep underneath a blanket of cosmos and it was beautiful. There were so many shooting stars and just wonderful things to look at. Halfway through the night though there was a moose or caribou or something big that came by the rock and started munching on stuff...it was pitch black and we were freaking out a bit because it very easily could have been a bear up there in the mountains and the adrenaline from that kept me going for a little while. The next day we went and sunbathed in this lake (glacial runoff). We were so sunburnt! I looked like a lobster. We had a party that night and I think I was judged hardcore. But it was completely worth it.

This balcony is so perfect for sitting, thinking, writing, and just about everything. Let me just give you an idea about what it looks like...it is approximately thirty-five feet by ten feet and it is basically mine. My roommates and I use it but hardly anyone else ever does. I am curled up in my blanket that I made for a young women's project when I was twelve and I'm in sweats looking all cute freezing my hands off. But I am happy. Why have I not done this before? Finally writing again. I can feel my mind slowing down as I type. THIS is my ADD therapy, this is what keeps me sane. How have I survived?!

Well, moving on. What should I talk about? Oh, I know how I have survived. My parents bought me a little travel guitar and that has been my sanctuary. I am getting much better! I'm not good yet, but I'm better. One of my roommates and I have jam seshs. She is the vocals and I'm the instrumental. Our favorite song is "Someone like you" by Adele. That is possibly one of the most intense and beautiful songs. The lyrics are so incredible, and we always have to sing it. Depressing, but good.

I am trying to think about how I can actually begin to describe life here. It is beyond anything I could have thought. I know I hated the idea of coming here. I thought everyone was going to be obnoxious and in my face religious. Everyone was going to be perfect and the same. Everyone was going to be ignorant and painfully annoying.

Nope.

What I got was the biggest slap to the face I have ever gotten in my life. Yes, so many people here are beautiful and stylish and perfect. But there are so many real people here, like me. I lucked out on roommates. While they do some stuff that annoys me, they really are good people and I wouldn't trade them for anything. My FHE brothers are fantastic and they are some of the sweetest and most genuine people. And fairly attractive, not going to lie. Yeah, it was hard coming here and my face suddenly decided that it was going to be ugly and breakout everywhere and I swear that everyone here has perfect skin. They are all skinny as anything and if they aren't then they totally know how to rock their curves. I am awkwardly in between. There are more homecoming court, valedictorians, and concert pianists here than anywhere else in the world. The most frustrating thing is that all those qualities are generally in the same person. I am nothing here. Nothing. School is hard and I feel like the dumbest one in most of my classes. But I have had such great experiences as a result.

I was not the kind of person to 'hang out' in high school. I always had to be doing something and moving so fast. There had to be a purpose to everything. But here I have changed. I just hang out whenever. I pick up my guitar and some people and I have jam sessions on the balcony or something. My roommates and I always are having parties of some kind or another. Not the typical college parties. But the kind that we remember for years afterwards and don't regret anything we do. We have so much fun and meet so many people.

Okay, I am just going to stop whatever I was going to say right there. None of that is feeling right. I was thinking about talking about boys, but that is not where I wanted to go either.

I have been thinking a lot about where I want to end up or where I want to go and be. I am a traveler. I know that is what I want to do and somehow will do. I just need to figure out how. I also have tried to realize the kind of person that I want to become. And it makes me so happy to realize that I have started to become that person. Curling up with a book on a rainy day with a hot cup of tea is me. There are so many different me's that I want to be. I want to be the woman that can sit on the balcony of her house on the South Carolina beaches and look beautiful in a turtleneck and jeans with no makeup. I want to be the woman that can hop on a plane one day and hours later be knee deep in Ugandan mud as I write a story about the women there and the role that they play in society for National Geographic. I want to be sitting in a small coffeeshop listening to an old friend play and he invites me up to sing what used to be our song and I either sing or play guitar and I do it well.

These are all silly dreams. Of a silly girl. That has a silly, misguided look at the world. But I want that all to be me. You will probably laugh when you read this, who ever you are. But these are truly things I have thought about and want. I never want to be average. I want to take control of the opportunities that are out of the ordinary and I want to make them mine. I want to be able to look at the world and say thank you for everything you have given me. I feel like Pocahontas right now. "Do you still wait for me Dream Giver?" Because I am here. Dreamer. More so than I think I have ever been. That will never change. I am utterly impossible. And I apologize. Yet, I don't. I am not apologetic for who I am, but for who you think yourself to be if you feel the need to judge me. I am unabashedly Emily. I am a grasshopper, an artist, a dreamer, a scientist, and a tea drinker. I make my own henna and don't care that it smells funny. I laugh loudly. I dream big. I play my music so that you can hear it. I speak my thoughts. Some days I don't take my medicine. I won't fall in love. I am a dreamer and a cynic. I hike. I read in the sun. I sing when I know no one will hear me. I dance so that everyone can. I let you know who I am. The design in the stars is the same in my heart. In the broken down machinery of my heart. I am gun-shy. I listen to the rain. I cry. I smile at everything because I find life to be so funny. My language is sentimentality and life and change. I wish I was in black and white. I love the lines on my hand. I jam to Bollywood music. I watch Korean dramas. I eat seaweed. I have gone through six jars of peanut butter jars so far. I am so grateful for my wide open spaces, my room to make a big mistake. I drink my tea boiling. I hate my feet. There is nothing that compares to sitting on rooftops. I want my own love story but I'm too scared of anything to do anything about something. I want to dance in the Museum of Art. I have covered my wall with articles and pictures from travel magazines and film pictures I took and had developed. I am freezing on my balcony because I want to be outdoors, whatever that takes. I am in love with the world. I am in love with Amos Lee. I am in love with soul and all things beautiful. I love possibility and the world is overflowing with it right now.

Goodnight, until we meet again.

P.S. There are so many spiritual experiences that I've had and you might be hearing those later.

We just want love

Wow, its been a while. I figure now is as good a time as any to write because I'm not feeling depressed or forlorn. Two of my favorite writing moods.

Quite a bit has happened. I've graduated. I've gotten a job. I'm at college.

I am there. And I've been here for what feels like a really long while.

Where to start, where to start. Well, right now I'm watching the moon set behind the mountains and the way it hits the clouds would inspire even the most cynical to poetry. There are so many different things I could write. But I don't quite know where to begin. Basically, all I wanted to do with this post is get started again. This is my warm up, per se. To dabble my toes in the blogging world again and become comfortable with writing. I've gotten a little nervous these past few weeks because there has been a lot of pressure to write well.

I also just wanted to say hello to everyone! "And all I could say was hello."

It is getting late and I've got some cookie dough that needs eating, so I will talk to you again. Soon I hope. I miss my language. The way my mind would clear up when I phrased something just the way I wanted. I've tried here, but it all ends up in my thought book and I really don't know how to start writing it out on here. Due to my location, a fair amount of it is spiritual and I don't quite know how to put that all down yet. Then there are all my other issues that I KNOW I don't want to write yet. A good amount of it I don't want to express. At all. Yes, a good amount of that is denial but if I don't address it, it might just go away.

UGH My brain is tied in trying to figure out how to express everything I want! I'll brainstorm some ideas and then we'll go from there. For the mean time, good night.

Soliloquy of a blue guitar

Why hello!

Here I am, and I don't know where to go. But I'm happy and I just want to say something. This is my alternative to shouting something at the stars while standing on my sidewalk. See what I did there? Alliteration, that's what.

I just watched Ever After and that movie ALWAYS puts me in a good mood. There is something so very right about it, something that fits and always will. It is such a beautiful story and such a beautiful relationship. THAT is what I want my marriage to be like. And I wouldn't mind having a breathtaking story to go along with it too. Or a handsome husband, preferably a prince? Okay fates of the universe, I can deal without the last part. But if you could help me make the rest happen, that would be much appreciated.

It is just a good night. Late. But regardless, it is good. The stars are out. Almost full moon. Clear sky. Breeze. And I'm listening to a whole bunch of covers to some of my favorite songs (and they don't suck). I mean, who doesn't like an acoustic version of Vienna? Or Don't you forget about me? Yeah, that is what I thought. Right now I'm listening to a piano version of Slow Dancing in a Burning Room. Wonderful!

I'm not thinking deeply tonight. No heavy topics. Just lighthearted love of life. Finally. I feel like I've been so stressed lately, but here I am now. Relishing in the feeling of my feet under the covers, the hot tea I just had, and the breeze blowing across my face. I am here. I am present. The moment is mine. And I can do whatever I want to with it. This won't last long, but it will last. Hopefully until Thursday and past.

The clock ticks on and I must go. But first I want to post something I wrote the other night, it was a throwback to the more eloquent Emily. I don't know where she has gone, but this was in the same spirit as she. Here goes. I called it "Climbing trees at Hogwarts"

This is the way I want to stay.

Peaceful.

Content.

Warm with the cool night breeze on my cheek.

This is me.

Here

In this moment

I can survive

Nothing matters except the next letter

This is the way I want to stay.

I want to write beautiful, but that doesn't matter

I want to see the world, but I know that will come

I want to share this moment with someone, but not now

I want to be someone worth becoming, but that is all in the future

For now I write, and I think, and I do for me. And my family. Sometimes my friends

I look at the night sky because the only memories I have of it are between the man on the moon and I

Peace comes

I enjoy the time alone

In fact, I like being alone more than being with people

That could be a problem

But in the future

Not now

What happened to the Emily that could write all of this and make it sound good? The worlds that would flow like endless rain into a paper cup. They would come together and make a stream of consciousness that would flow over my being and somehow make sense

Among the selves today, I dreamt of someone asking me what I was doing and my reply being "Contemplating the universe"

Yet here I sit

A testament of my daydreams

Validation of sorts

Clack, click, clack, click

Tap, tap, tap

The validation comes. The vindication starts

My stream of consciousness is siphoned into a flow of words from the very core of my being

Poured out onto my bed, silver in the moonlight

Now I'm thinking too hard

I'm trying to make this nonsense into poetry

If you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it's a failure

Me barking up the tree of poetic ability

Failure

But peace

You know, I don't mind failure so much. I'l give it a new name: Creativity

Now I give it another: sleep

Dream for hours, yet only for fleeting moments

That is life after all.

Goodnight.

We could dream this night away.

Here I am.

Me. Myself. I.

Single.

And confused.

Not about being single, I embrace that with all the vigor I have for the past 18 years. But I'm confused about practically everything. Initially this was going to be a post of me ranting about my insecurities. But I'm just not ready to open up like that yet. I don't know if I'll ever delve into that dark pool, but when I do it will be with someone I trust. Not the world wide web.

I suppose that I should follow up that vague statement of confusion with an explanation for why I am in such a state...one thing is love. I'm not talking about high school relationships love, because I'm hesitant to say that even applies. We use that word so loosely now in society that it has almost lost its meaning. "I love you" is no longer a sacred phrase meant to be uttered only if you meant it and knew what kind of effect it could have. But when I talk about love I mean the kind that lasts forever. The kind that keeps you with a person for time and all eternity. As I head off to college, specifically my college, I realize that its in these next few years that people are getting married. I'm so young, I don't feel that I can be myself enough to make a decision that will affect my eternal life within the next few years. I honestly don't know if there is someone out there for me. I've begun to look around and see couples at church and stuff and I pick out things I like about each relationship. I know what I want my marriage to be like, but I need a boy for that. I have had only one official boyfriend ever. And that didn't turn out well. So my faith in the male race is dwindling. I see all the movies and shows that tell you what is 'supposed' to happen. But I need something real. Tangible. And I'm just confused about what my husband will be like. I know that he will be great and such. But I really don't know and I would like to be sure...If you're a dude and reading this, sorry if it sounds awkward that I'm talking about marriage. But it is on my mind.

I'm also lacking spiritually. But I don't feel comfortable going into that right now. That is between me and God, those times when I sit on the roof of my car...thought/prayer sessions? Yes.

The other thing is that I don't feel like I deserve a lot of what I get. Compliments and such, when people give them to me I either ignore them, deny them, or both while complimenting you back. I don't ever truly feel like I'm deserving of any compliments that I receive. Because I don't feel like I am any of the things that people say. So along with the whole husband thing, I feel like I don't have a right to ask for the best because I'm not..

ANYWHO. I'm not generally this insecure. There has just been so much going on and there are so many changes. Not the kind I like. I usually love change, moving and such. It is one of my favorite things. But this change is the kind that isn't unique and can hurt. Money, your future, etc...It is a buttload of pressure for anyone to face. Much less an 18 year old. So I'm adjusting. I'm also adjusting to the fact that now I have to work to have friends. There aren't any more 'forced' friendships. No longer will I be able to ask someone to hang out just because we have something in common and happen to sit next to each other in a class. Wild...

So if anyone wants to hang out, hit me up! Because I'll want to hang.

It just started to rain. My windows are open, my room smells like rain, and I'm writing while eating my mint ice cream. This is what I call a good night. Good ol' Billie Holiday in my ear. Joy and sorrow mixed together. This is my life. This is where I am.

Care to join me?

I must become the lion-hearted girl

So, I should be writing letters of appreciation to teachers and yearbook entries for friends. But tonight, I find myself doing none of this. I've had a fully relaxing day. I've got to go to school tomorrow to view my drama final project, and for some reason that stresses me out...I'm out of school. Why do I care? I think what stresses me out is the whole going back thing. I feel like I'm just ditching everyone I know, just so I can hand select the people I hang out with and many times just be alone. I feel guilt. I shouldn't, but I do. That is what is stressing me I think.

ANYWAYS. Instead of doing anything truly productive, I am looking at this website: oneword.com

One of the coolest ideas. What they do is give you a word and then a minute to write about it, then they post it. I know, I sound like an ad...but seriously. SO COOL. here are some clips of what I found under the word "EMBRACE":

"I've embraced a lot of things in my life: my actions, my regrets, and everything in between. I don't complain. A life with sorrow is no life at all.

The feeling you get to be held by the person you love as though you are the most important thing in the whole entire world. If he ever let you go you would slip from reality and drift away into the abyss. The touch that makes people quiver and shake and wonder and hope and love.

Two flowers from the same stem

Embrace life, you only live once. Life curves and sways and you never know whats next but there is always something next. One grand adventure after another without any control. Embrace the chaos and live.

Come. I am waiting.

I lost time, I groped for words. The inner editor should die as I embrace freedom. Freedom to be mistaken. I embraced my self completely, knowing that I finally see the light, where the love for words emanate; where it shall stay free forever...I hear my old self whisper "Goodbye, I spent good times with you."

No tricks. No nothing. Just simplicity.

This year drained me. Those arms refreshed me. There truly is no better place to be than snuggled inside of them. This has by far been the most difficult time of life, still looking back on these past twelve months, I would have to say WORTH IT. All of these hard times have been so worth it knowing that I have, to look forward to, and can greater appreciate an eternity, perfectly embraced.

All is well with the world. snuggled and safe. honey oozed from the nostrils of a sleeping protective dragon with a stolen cave where pressure and strife and anger cannot reach. here in the peace and warm we sleep embraced in...

That cool night, embraced by a midnight blue blanket of stars and constellations, felt like a dream. As the wind whipped through my hair, I couldn't help but remember the past, of what happened on a night like this.

I stood there, at the edge of the still room, eyes on his back.His neck was always so strong and muscular against my cheek. I listened as he breathed in deeply then turned, moved towards me, embraced me. Wow.

He embraced her as they wished that the moment would last for eternity. His eyes glistened and tears dribbled from her eyelashes. They just wanted to stay on that road forever, even in the rain.

I was standing on the corner of West St and 39th, it was raining and the drops were making their way through my sweater. My gaze was fixated at the upper window of a small apartment building. There I saw two shadows, come together and I embraced the fact that my life wasn't quite what I thought it was.

The night engulfs us with the stars above, mystery without and within. So enamored are we with the darkness, yet we flee to the light. When he embraces me in his arms and with his lips, I am terrified like I am of the darkness. Why flee to what is comfortable? Why not embrace that which embraces us with all of its dark and mysterious fury? True love is born from the night, not from the day, and that is when love's greatest expression is most greatly expressed.

I turned the corner...and that's when I met you. It was when I least expected it. I wasn't looking, wasn't searching for you. I wondered where you were for so long and you were right there-just around the corner."

Those are just a 'few' examples of the kind of stuff they have on this website. I think it is a beautiful idea, getting people's honest intentions and streams of consciousness.